On this Mother’s Day, I am brought back to a memory of a woman telling me I am nothing and my life is simply not worth living if I choose to NOT have children of my own. Did I mention this was said to me while I was checking a haircut the woman was having with one of my students. It came out of this woman’s mouth so readily and so easily that I was taken back. She was rather lucky that it was taking place in front of a student because I probably would have handled it much differently (that’s code for maybe I would have lost my verbal temper on her). Instead, I said, “It’s not for everybody”. She did not let up, literally nagging me until I said that it was really none of her business and that I could not have children. She added: “You could adopt”. I walked away; her haircut was finished enough for me. I did not want to see her again, nor could I handle hearing another word out of her mouth. When she left, my student was commending me on how pleasant I was and how well I handled the “situation”. The fact is, that was not the first time or the last that I was left somewhat “shamed” by the idea of not having children.
The mentioned story took place in my mid to late 30’s. It took place in many forms for many years to come. Now, in my 50’s, I am often asked if I have children. When I say no, it is often followed with the look of sadness or pity. Sometimes I am asked “How many children do you have?” or “How old are your children?” This can be an awkward exchange between people who are having small talk while getting to know each other. Asking someone without children “Why?” is not a great idea. When people ask me why I did not have children, unless I know them very well and consider them a friend, I will often make something up or say whatever comes to mind at the time which may not even be the reason. Being asked that can leave someone feeling vulnerable and at times uncomfortable (Do not do it).
I do not write this because I am hurting over not having children on Mother’s Day. I never wanted children, nor am I a fan of babies. I have always related to youth and young adults. I enjoy getting to know my nieces and nephews but for me it is when they are a little older that I felt I had more to offer as an Aunty. I often tell my clients when they are surprised that someone does not go goo goo for a baby that enough people go goo goo for babies and that I am there after that, when they are children or young adults that may need someone to talk to or a shoulder that is not the parent but trustworthy.
Not everyone who roams alone is lonely and not every woman who does not have children wanted to. Be aware of what you assume when talking to women, especially women over 50. Do not assume we have all been married or want to be, do not assume we all have children or wanted to and do not assume that just because we did not want our own that we would not help you to raise yours. After all, we all know it takes a village to raise a child. A great Aunty can be a lot of help.
To all those Mother’s out there that love and care for their children, Happy Mother’s Day. To all the other women out there, we are all thought of as mothers by someone. Women are natural nurturers after all.